The Trump Presidential Library

Department of Planning

ABC recently agreed to give Trump $15 million earmarked for the “Trump Presidential Library.” The Disney Corporation apparently decided not to go to the mat for its news division, even though the law was probably on their side. ABC earns a small fraction of the hundreds of billions the corporation’s other enterprises haul in. The announcement was greeted with gloating from the usual corners of the MAGA freak-o-ophere, and groans from journalists and fans of a free press, who regard the payoff as an ominous sign for the First Amendment.

Fifteen million bucks in bending-the-knee money is chump change though, nowhere near sufficient for the gold-plated mausoleum necessary to house and honor Orange Man’s legacy.

The dollar amount and its stated purpose have the whiff of just another stunt meant to showcase powerful people groveling at the feet of the Strongman — the only pastime that gives the old man pleasure these days. But in fact, it is not too early to start making plans for a “Trump Library.”

Here at the Freakshow, we have long experience assessing spectacles of MAGA grotesquery. In the spirit of anticipatory obeisance, we’d like to offer some ideas for the “Trump Library” curators.

A “Trump Library” should first of all be designed less as a library and more as a museum, to house the greatest and most durable Freakshow ever built, offering generations of descendants of MAGAs an opportunity to relive this era in all its glory.

A “Trump Library” offers creative possibilities far beyond the books and other artifacts involving the written word that fill most presidential libraries. The once and future President Trump isn’t much of a reader. One of his biographers, Michael D’Antonio, after interviewing him five times, went on record stating “he's definitely got attention deficit disorder.” His ghostwriter, Tony Schwartz has said Trump “has the attention span of a 9-year-old with ADHD” Some reports from the first term suggest that intelligence briefers used pictures to explain concepts.

The ideal “Trump Library” model is the Biff Tannen Museum in Back to the Future Part II. For those who haven’t watched the movie recently, Biff Tannen is believed to have been modeled on the 1980s Donald Trump, a high school bully who, through a time-traveling glitch, finds a sports betting almanac from the future, gets rich, becomes “the luckiest man on earth,” an oafish ogre of a billionaire so powerful he creates his own museum - where smoking is required, among other things.

Location? A tough one. After renaming the New York Airports and Fifth Avenue after Trump, Congressional MAGAs might feel emboldened to federally commandeer a few square miles of Central Park. In the event that’s denied, the Four Seasons Total Landscaping grounds in Philly, site of Rudy Giuliani’s spectacular Big Lie press conference in November 2020, might do, especially given the importance of the voters of Pennsyltucky to the 2024 win.

The full range of subjects will depend on what happens in the next four years. But no “Trump Library” would be complete with the following halls and exhibits:

The Humble Trumpf Origin Story: Walls lined with black and white images from the immigrant story, Grandpa Friedrich Trumpf leaving Germany to run a brothel in the Yukon, German immigrant Grandma Trump founding the Trump organization, Papa Fred Trump’s arrest at a KKK rally, Scottish immigrant Mama Mary Anne McLeod working as a maid in the Carnegie mansion, and the silver spoon youth of Prince Donald himself, mediocre student to military school to - thanks Dad! - Wharton. A doctored “stable genius” grades record will have to be produced.

The Jeffrey Epstein Hall. For Men Only, of course. Video of Jeff and Don ogling cheerleaders plays in a loop on one wall. Augmented reality headsets will allow visitors to tour Epstein’s island with AI-generated underage nymphettes.

The Education President: Artifacts from Trump University, including the lifesize cardboard Trump that “students,” fleeced of tens of thousands of dollars for the secrets of the great businessman, would pose with in Marriott Hotel Ballrooms.

Bankruptcy Hall: The six bankruptcies, explained in pictures, and a “Chapter Laws for Children” corner, with age appropriate paint by numbers coloring book corner for pre-school children, and an interactive video game for the older kids.

The Stormy Daniels Room. Adults only. Obviously.

The Grab “em by the Pussy Exhibit. The Billy Bush Tape, available in dozens of AI-translated languages, with headsets. Video interviews of Jean Carroll and the two dozen women who have accused him of sexual - let’s just call it “misbehavior.”

The “You’re Fired” Wing, with augmented reality headsets allowing museum patrons to enjoy humiliating and firing AI versions of people they secretly know are smarter than them.

Patriots Wing: The walls are alive with video of the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers and other Trump-supporting insurrectionist heroes smashing their way into the Capitol on January 6, 2021 (a national holiday in future America, of course). The hall echoes with the dulcet tones of the J6 jailhouse choir singing the “Justice for All” song, on a loop.

Retribution Hall. Dominated by a 30 by 30 foot color image of Trump’s Georgia mugshot on one wall, lined with black and white images of RINOs, prosecutors, journalists, and “enemies of the people” prosecuted or driven into exile after January 21, 2025.

The Stable Genius Hall. Devoted to the works of Viceroy for Life Elon Musk, this hall features facial recognition-harvesting drones the billionaire’s company might design for the Trump regime to quell riots sparked by the end of Social Security and Medicare. The hall could include a “Musketeers Corner” for kids, with RFK Jr.-approved red dye-free Special K pops.

The Dancing With Swords Wing: An immersive experience replete with hookahs and belly dancing, a virtual tour of the Trump family’s deals in the Middle East, from the billions showered on son in law Jared Kushner on his way out of the White House in 2021, to the lucrative Trump-Saudi golf deals, to the $10 million Egyptian alleged cash “bribe” given to Trump himself.

Last but not least, the Golden Sneaker Wing: devoted to Trump merch. Here the Golden Sneaker, the Trump Bible, Trump Steaks, Trump Water, Trump watches and Ivanka’s fashions will be on display, alongside a virtual tour of the Chinese factories that produced so much of it.

ABC’s donation to the cause barely covers the cost of the affordable Chinese concrete for the foundation. But four years is plenty of time to line the “Trump Library” walls with gold bricks.